Saturday, September 10, 2005


The past couple of weeks have been really hard. I really don't know why. Well, that's not altogether true. I'm just a little depressed about things.

I really try to be positive and I hate talking about things that are wrong. When I was diagnosed with MS, I didn't want anyone to know. Well, except for my husband and my family that is. But I just didn't want to have to talk about it. I didn't want to have to say those words out loud "I have MS". Most of all, I did not want anyone to feel sorry for me. It took a couple of months before I could talk to anyone about it, to say it out loud. And then I was okay.

Whenever anyone would ask me, I would just tell them that everything was great. It was no big deal. It wasn't stopping me from doing anything. And then I would change the subject. I am a person with MS. It does not define me and I don't want to dwell on it.

And luckily, it has been very benign. But I do feel the fatigue. Especially in the summer heat. I can't seem to get through the afternoon without needing a nap. And that just ain't right! I am NOT 80 years old for cryin' out loud! But if that's the worse that I have to deal with, then I can't complain.

But it's my eyesight. And it has nothing to do with MS. Other than the fact that my right eye is affected by optic neuritis (a symptom of MS). But that is sometimes bad, and sometimes okay. It's never completely normal. My big problem right now is that I have had one surgery to fix the muscles of that eye because my eyes aren't on level. I've had it all my life, but a prism in that lens was enough to correct it. As I've gotten older though, the muscles have weakened and I have constant double vision. So I had one operation in July. That didn't fix it so I'm having another one next week. Damn, I just want to be able to see clearly again! I can't read for very long because my eyes just get so tired....

This morning I woke up and my other eye, the good one, was sore and swollen and red. And I can't help thinking that this sucks. I don't know if it's an infection or what.... but I hate it. I'm tired of it. I just want all of this stuff to go away.

So I am feeling sorry for myself. And I hate feeling sorry for myself! This is NOT SO BAD. And I usually suck it up and move on.... but I just can't seem to shrug things off as easily as before.

Well, that's enough for now. Except GO LONGHORNS! It's gonna be a good game tonight. So I will have a good time. I promise. We're going to have friends over to watch it. I'll drink some wine and laugh a lot. I prefer wine to whine any day!

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