Weary

It is very difficult to be dishonest. My dishonesty isn't anything scandalous or illegal. It's emotional. And at 47 years old, I am getting tired of not being honest. Oh, I could be honest. But it would have repercussions that I am not prepared to face. I am afraid. But why should I be afraid? Of my mother? Isn't it time that I started being honest with her? Impossible.

My mother is the definition of passive-aggressive. I've dealt with it all my life. And I guess I have a few more years of dealing with it. Is it worth the hurt and pain to confront her, or should I just continue stifling my feelings? I'm afraid that if I actually open up my mouth, it will all spill out. All the frustration and emotion will just pour out before I have a chance to stem the tide.

Every once in awhile, I will forget myself and something will slip out. She will get indignant and the 'silent treatment' will come. I can deal with that. I've dealt with it all my life. When I was younger, I would try everything to 'make it up to her' and practically fall all over her with apologies. Once she was satisfied that I had suffered enough, things would get back to normal. Now? I just ignore it and act as though nothing is wrong. I will talk normally and if she doesn't answer, I will move on to something else. I will not grovel. Eventually, she'll get over it and things will be 'normal' again.

It's getting more difficult to keep myself in check though. If only I could sit down with her and discuss things in a straightforward manner, but I don't have the balls to do that. I'm a coward when it comes to confrontation. So I just keep on going, living this dishonest life. I get jealous of women who have great relationships with their mother. If my mother didn't live with me, I doubt I would spend much time seeking her out. Oh, I would visit her and she would visit me. But it would be respectful and polite. Not fun and invigorating.

I don't blame her entirely. Well, okay, maybe I do. Or maybe it's my fault for coddling her all these years. I am a good person. She doesn't really know me at all. I wish she did.